Winning at Home First: Date Your Spouse

We’ve been married 19 years. For a long time, we didn’t take the time to “date your spouse” the way we wanted to. Life felt busy, loud, and full of little ones. But slowly, we began to realize that loving each other well, quietly, and intentionally was part of the life we wanted. A quieter way. One rooted in peace, presence, and connection. My family lives in other states, and while Jeff’s parents helped when they could, we didn’t have a lot of support to make dates possible, and so for about 12 years after our oldest was born, dating just wasn’t realistic.

However, we committed together to start winning at home first, including in our relationship as a couple. This line we borrowed from an author Jeff got to know, named Cory M. Carlson. Cory M. Carlson writes a book called Win at Home First, which aims to give business leaders, entrepreneurs, and executives a practical, eye-opening guide for thriving both at work and at home (I might talk about his date night stories and suggestions in a follow-up post). This is become an important part of my story, and our story together.

An Important Milestone

That changed when our oldest was old enough to start watching her sisters for short periods—just an hour or two. We had already installed security cameras inside and outside, added deadbolts for family safety, and each week before leaving, we walked our kids through the plan each time. They could play a video game for so long, then watch a movie. We text regularly while we’re out, and we always make sure everyone is safe and knows what to expect. However, our kids being at this age helped us to win at home a little more in our relationship, and that has been so helpful. Too many reach this milestone with their kids’ age and ignore the opportunity, and they shouldn’t!

That milestone of their ages gave us just enough freedom to start dating again. Sometimes it was a quick coffee. Other times we’d walk around downtown. However, those small windows meant a great deal. That season taught us how valuable it is to date your spouse, even in the small windows of time you have. In that season, we felt like we were finally beginning to understand what it meant to be winning at home first. We were feeling rested and recharged, invested and intentional.

Date your spouse. Seriously.

An Important Next Step to Date Your Spouse

Though we started slow, now that our oldest is 14, we can go on longer dates. We still have rules and bedtimes for the kids when we’re gone. But we’ve learned how important this time is. We’re older now, but we’re also rediscovering who we are as a couple. It’s not just about getting out—it’s about connecting again.

We’ve learned not to only talk about our kids or jobs. We’ve started talking about deeper things—sharing dreams, hopes, and hard stuff too. Dating again has helped us feel more rested and more connected: emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. The more we practiced winning at home first in our relationship, the more we felt energized to be good parents, too.

An Important Note on How to Date Your Spouse

Let me state an important note. Not every date is amazing (though the majority have been!), but we show up for each other. Sometimes we are tired. Othertimes the weather gets in the way (like the rain and humidity that we have had a lot of this year). They’re simple moments that reflect the quieter pace we’re learning to embrace—a slower rhythm where being together matters more than being entertained. We try to look nice, let go of the week behind us, and be present.

An Important Date Meets Your Likes

When we plan dates, we plan them around things we both like. These are things that are lifegiving to both of us.

Some of our favorite dates have been:

• Walking around downtown with hot coffee
• Reading and talking at Panera
• Going to the movies together
• Disc golf in the park
• Baseball games—Phillies and the Lancaster Stormers
• Rodeo night at the Pennsylvania Farm Show
• Playing mini golf and laughing way too much
• Visiting the Jigger Shop in Mt. Gretna for ice cream
• Steak dinners and dressing up a little
• Wandering the mall like teenagers
• Concerts—The Huntingtons, Save Ferris, and others we grew up loving
• A special event at the Museum of the Bible
• Wings and wine, just the two of us
• An evening trip to HersheyPark
• etc.

There are so many websites with fun date night ideas, but the most important thing is to just start—to date your spouse in whatever way fits your season. Even if it’s small. Even if it’s just coffee in the driveway. Dating your spouse matters. It’s changed our marriage—and we’re grateful for every moment.

An Important List of Ingredients for Date Night

What makes a date really good isn’t how much you spend or how exciting it is—it’s the intentionality. It’s showing up for each other. For us, it means putting our phones away, making eye contact, listening, laughing, and not letting distractions steal the moment. It’s about being okay if it’s not perfect, and still making space to enjoy each other. That’s why we continue to make the choice to date your spouse—because it keeps us grounded in love, rest, and togetherness.

Take a step, even if it is just at home, and date your spouse in a space away from the kids.